Being diagnosed with clinical depression after finally finding myself unable to leave my room for work. Waking up in sweats and fear of my work… Working around high voltage wires and transformers gave me nightmares. I found myself having thoughts of a burning death or falling off a building roof. I found myself playing out dangerous events in my mind, which was part of my job as an electrical supervisor. I supervised over ten electricians and that responsibility along with being responsible for their safety equipment of which I had constant resistance from upper management. I would beat the drum about basic OSHA, CAL OSHA, NEC, NFPA, FAA, etc. requirements. In todays world the acting supervisor is personally libel for any subordinate injured or killed while working.
Working 80 plus hours in a high stress environment would cause even the hardest person to eventually crack. Maybe just at first finding yourself enjoying the nice drinks after work, start smoking again. Then not noticing the sleepless nights or even the urge to work even more hours… I fell into my own nightmare by trying to be the “Man” with all the answer’s. Its an endless stream of requests when you work in a big environment with multiple facilities. But I thought I could feed the dragon … give him just enough to feel temporary satisfied. But that didn’t work because the dragons have to eat and if you dont give them what they want then they look to burn you.
Pride will also chip away at your soul. Wanting to “Make it right” in a world that operates in various shades of gray, can also get in the way of everything. If I only had walked away so many years before… when I had a small vision of what was to come. But I thought I was the “Man”, and “They” told me I was the “Man” just to feed my dragons. But my dragons came pouring out of me in the weeks before I broke, but nobody noticed but me.
I headed into a dark tunnel that soon left me standing in total darkness.
A light is finally seeping through after almost 2 years not working… Now the daily panic is if I can return to work, any work. During panics of anxiety, I want to return to my 30 years of experience in the electrical/electronic industry. But then another part of me says start a new… and with that I could possibly ad a cross-over benifit from my past.
Either way I need to eat and find shelter. And keep my dragons satisfied with possitivity and compassion.